by Mike Mumah and P. Bradley Robb

For an end of the year entry, there seems to be a vacuum in the holiday films. The closing month of the year has become an oasis for summer films that couldn’t be completed or didn’t wish to compete with the other mega-blockbusters that released between May and August. Let us now speculate upon these films, and then wipe.

The Golden Compass

BRADLEY: The Golden Compass, the first film from a trilogy of children’s books, that blends fantasy and technology into a quasi steam-punk future, stars Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, and is markedly anti-Catholic? Nothing like starting off the month of December with a shot across organized religion’s bow.

MUMAH: I was actually looking forward to this flick quite a bit before I heard about the author’s atheistic leanings. Now I fully support this film and recommend all viewers to throw as much of their hard-earned money to get that damned Catholic league to shut the fuck up. It’s time for a new lobby, dammit. Oh yeah, and Daniel Craig is a bad ass.

The Perfect Holiday

BRADLEY: Now, I’ve always had a thing for Gabrielle Union, but as strong as I feel about her, she’s not going to drag me out to see this film unless she knocks on my door and escorts me herself. I mean, I could barely stomach these ensemble cast holiday “True Spirit of Christmas” films when I was a kid and everything was shiny, and Santa was real. Now I’m old, everything is rather dull, and Santa is ringing a bell and begging for change.

MUMAH: Santa’s not real?

BRADLEY: Yeah, you keep confusing him with that other guy in red and black who laughs a lot. You know, Satan.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

BRADLEY: Ah, a film that needs no introduction, and in turn, no viewing. Following on the heels of Underdog, Jason Lee proves that having kids (even with crazy names) can turn anyone who was at the top of the geekshiek game into the kind of person he used to make fun of. It didn’t work with Garfield. It didn’t work with Fat Albert. It has never worked. When will Hollywood stop cannibalizing other genres with the explicit intent of making them worse?

MUMAH: At least with Scooby Doo they had enough sense to put Sarah Michelle Gellar in a miniskirt. And I’ve always hated these damned chipmunks. They make me want to cut myself while watching Ishtar.

I Am Legend

BRADLEY: Now that I’ve been worked up into an adequate level of anger, we get to I Am Legend. As I’m sure my astute über-nerd associate here can tell you. I Am Legend comes from the land of books with pictures. The plot is a blend of several familiar themes, the last man alive, zombies (technically the infected), biological terror, and Will Smith movies. On the outside, the film looks very familiar, almost clichéd, but it also looks like a promising, enjoyable film.

MUMAH: This flick also comes from the books with letters in them as well. You can also go back to the seventies and find a similar film called “Omega Man” which stars none other than Charleton Heston and plenty of blaxpoitation. This is my geek pick of the month, though my wife is afraid the dog will die, therefore she won’t watch. Also, I heard a rumor there may be a sneak peek at a certain Batmovie that releases this summer…

BRADLEY: I forgot, Mumah has a hardon for Christian Bale. I hear the new Batsuit has nipples.

The Kite Runner

BRADLEY: I am saddened to say, the American people are not ready for this film. Saddened because this film isn’t that difficult to understand, and saddened because I have a feeling that in the wrong hands this film could easily become propaganda. The Kite Runner is billed as a story of betrayal and forgiveness (hopefully…) and taken from the hit novel of the same name. The story seems to revolve around a boy who’s family fled Afghanistan during the Taliban uprising and in doing so, caused a bit of terror for a friend. Hopefully the film will provide insight into the Afghani culture and won’t simply be waved as a “This is why we’re trying to help them” flag.

MUMAH: Needs boobies. Boobies grab the attention, and THEN you smack ‘em with the message.

BRADLEY: I thought it was “Phase 1, collect underpants. Phase 2… Phase 3, profit!”.

Look

BRADLEY: Ah, if only Americans knew how much we were filmed. Here we have a typical quasi-literary ensemble piece, interweaving plot lines of honest people trying to make good with their lives. This film’s twist is that it’s all shot from the perspective of security cameras. While it’s a good concept, here’s a better one: In the face of a nation of cameras and a rash of intellectual property rights, a small-time conman copyrights his own image and then proceeds to sue every security camera that captures his image for “Unauthorized reproduction of a copyrighted work.” Hey Hollywood, cut me a check for that one.

MUMAH: It should be titled, “YouTube, the Movie.” Copyright Mike Mumah and Bradley Robb.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

BRADLEY: I hate Nicolas Cage in 99% of his films. The lone standout…was the first film in this series. I hoped I would never have to own up to this here, but I actually, honestly enjoyed the first film. A lot like the Mummy before it, the first National Treasure was a fun, reasonably welldone, action adventure romp. It wasn’t gory, it wasn’t brainy, and it didn’t try to appeal to everyone. The film had one goal, fun conspiracies, and it succeeded. I plan on seeing this film. You may now pick your jaws up from your desks.

MUMAH: I’m usually the opposite of you regarding Nicholas Cage. I find him entertaining and unique. Every movie he’s been in from “Leaving Las Vegas” to “Peggy Sue Got Married” to “Moonstruck” he’s left an impact from his performance. However, I could give two shits about “National Treasure 2.” It’s diet Indiana Jones.

BRADLEY: No, I believe the new Indiana Jones movie is diet Indiana Jones. Man, I plan to purely speculate my ass off for that film. I’m sharpening my sarcasm knives as we speak. And my sarcasm club. And my sarcasm hammer.

Sweeney Todd

BRADLEY: Another film that looks more than watchable. Depp playing Creepy (which is really all he’s “good” at) under the eye of the man more-or-less responsible for his career, Tim Burton. Throw in the timeless tale of a murderous barber, perhaps some jaunting and dark musical numbers, and this film will do rather well and give America a little culture while it’s at it, however twisted and dark that culture may be.

MUMAH: Don’t forget the fact that they chop up the bodies and sell them to people in meat pies. They seem to miss that part in the trailers. As far as Depp only being good at creepy, take a gander at “Finding Neverland.” One of the finest permances and best films you’ll ever see, and not an ounce of creepy to be found.

BRADLEY: Nothing creepy about a grown man hanging out with little kids to tell them stories about flying away to a magical land? Sure…nothing creepy about that at all. And how could I forget about the meat pies?

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

BRADLEY: By 2006, everyone in America loved both Ray Charles and Johnny Cash without ever having to actually listen to them. Why? Okay, stupid question, you know why. Hell, following Walk the Line, I’ve had to sit through countless terrible bar covers of Johnny Cash songs, including Hurt…which was a fucking Nine Inch Nails song. I cannot wait to hear “This is a Dewey Cox song…” from a bar stool in January. And yes, I know this is a spoof. I simply have no faith in America.

MUMAH: Judd. Apatow. All I need to say. Plus you have Paul Rudd as John Lenon. How can you not want to leave your wallet with the cashier?

BRADLEY: Damn it, I thought we could make it one month without me having to hand you a napkin.

Aliens Vs Predator – Requiem

BRADLEY: No Space Marines? No interest. Call me what it’s on HBO.

MUMAH: I love Alien. Hate Predator. My wife however, loves AVP. Go figger.

Charlie Wilson’s War

BRADLEY: December’s second film on Afghanistan lists a rather interesting cast – Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams – and a fun-filled look at how one, unimportant Congressman from Texas paired with one rich Texas widow and one awesomely mustached CIA agent to start the resistance movement against the Soviet Union. This move looks fun, Wag the Dog fun.

MUMAH: This film does look good, and if it’s half as clever as “Wag the Dog” it’ll be a must see.

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: September 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: April’s Films
• Pure Speculation: November 2007
• Pure Speculation: July 2007

November has arrived and with it a slew of reviews for films that we haven’t seen. Yes, it’s once again time for some Pure Speculation.

Mike Mumah and P. Bradley Robb

AMERICAN GANGSTER

MUMAH: How can you not want to see this movie? For one, it’s directed by Ridley Scott, who could make a biopic about Paris Hilton and make it seem compelling. Throw in Denzel in a period gangster piece and you have possibly an Oscar winner. Brad and I differ on Russell Crowe, and while I admit he’s nuttier than elephant shit, he’s one damn good actor.

BRADLEY: Oh man, starting the month off with a disagreement. I really see no reason to actually see this film. It looks so by the numbers that it’s not even funny. I’m willing to wager we could bullet-point out the script, right here, right now. And I’m gonna say, double or nothing, that our dialogue would have more bite to it.

MUMAH: I think you’re talking blasphemy here. Ridley Scott could film Britney Spears taking a shit and could win an Oscar. Denzel could play that role convincingly and at least get a nomination.

BRADLEY: Are you kidding? As I was prepping this article the girlfriend had the TV Guide channel playing their “Movie of the Fall” special premier for this film. And the Oscars are a BS popularity contest…dammit.

MARTIAN CHILD

MUMAH: My kneejerk reaction is, “Feel good hit of the year. A must see for the whole family. It’ll pull you by the heartstrings and won’t let go. John Cusack delivers an Oscar worthy performance.” Other phrases that come with hard-to-market dramas drone on and on in my brain, but I keep coming back to John Cusack, one of my all time favorite actors, and that drags me back to “Must Love Dogs.” Did he peak with “High Fidelity?” It’s a stumper, but Martian Child? It’s a renter.

BRADLEY: I normally purchase my ticket halfway through Cusack’s last name, but this is going to be another movie I’m going to pass on. Why? It’s equal parts “I Am Sam” and “Big Daddy,” and I don’t even think Cusack could remedy that…well, maybe if someone gave him a boom box when he tried to get his kid back. Oh Peter Gabriel over plastic speakers, is there anything you can’t fix?

MUMAH: He’d probably end up playing “Sledgehammer” rather than “In Your Eyes, “ for this one, since you don’t want to repeat yourself…

BRADLEY: Ug…

BEE MOVIE

MUMAH: I’m a sucker for a good cartoon, but then you throw in Seinfeld and I’m already sold. Patrick Warburton would be enough for me. That man is a giant ball of funny.

BRADLEY: Let me preface this by saying, I have never been a fan of Jerry Seinfeld. Never was. Didn’t like the show, didn’t find it funny. However, and man do I feel like a tool for saying this, the advertising that’s been running on NBC primetime for this movie is hilarious. I’m actually sold on a unique advertizing campaign. Which seal is that again?

MUMAH: I’m not sure. I think it’s the same seal that kills that giant bug up your ass, too.

BRADLEY: Not the kind of seal in the zoo, the kind of seal that Southern Baptist preachers get on TV and talk about.

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD

MUMAH: I think this movie is hunting for an Oscar in the same manner that some people fish with dynamite. There’s talk of a second Oscar win for Marissa Tomei. Snicker. With Sydney Lumet directing, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Albert Finney in the cast, how can this possibly top “My Cousin Vinny?”

BRADLEY: I’m kind of pulling for this one to be really good. I really like the idea that these guys are robbing their own parent’s jewelry store. Having been at the wrong end of the “money” equation too often and for too long, gotta say I can empathize right away, and that’s always a good thing in my book.

MUMAH: I think you’re just being contrary on purpose. I have a wife for that.

BRADLEY: No, I’m actually digging this film.

LIONS FOR LAMBS

MUMAH: I’m intrigued by this flick. I saw a trailer for it early in the summer and I was smitten from the get-go. I’m one of the rare people that can tolerate a lot of crazy from my artists because I can separate the work from the man. Tom Cruise is a great actor. Again, crazier than your subter reader, but a great artist nonetheless. I like watching Days of Thunder while listening to Michael Jackson.

BRADLEY: Wait. What? Tom Cruise is a great “actor”? Tom Cruise is good at being cocky, he’s good at wearing clothes, and he’s good at delivering lines in a way that makes you believe that he’s really cocky. I know this movie is supposed to show that he has chops, hence it being produced on his own production company, the resurrected United Artists, but I’m just not buying that that the guy has chops.

MUMAH: The man is entertaining. Look at his resume and it speaks for itself. You yourself are notorious for quoting his most famous of films daily. You don’t like him because he’s dangerous.

BRADLEY: I quote Top Gun daily not because of Tom Cruise, but because every day I find an applicable moment.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.

MUMAH: Coen Bros. I’m in.

BRADLEY: Goddamn right.

FRED CLAUS

MUMAH: It has begun. The nauseating holiday season. Explain to me again how this isn’t a sequel to Elf? Use smaller words this time.

BRADLEY: At least this film has Rachel Weisz.

MUMAH: Dammit. She’s my kryptonite. Now I have to watch it. FUCK! It’s a family flick, so she’s probably not going to be naked enough. She’s still British though, right? That ought to be enough.

BRADLEY: And I believe she keeps the accent in this one too.

SOUTHLAND TALES

MUMAH: The director of Donnie Darko has Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a porn star? Here’s my money, sir.

BRADLEY: Yeah, where’d this film sneak up from? Impending boom, starting with a mushroom cloud, a plot focused around a three day period, ensemble cast? I can even get over the film starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson when you tell me that Mandy Moore will be in it.

MUMAH: She farts through silk to make dreams.

BRADLEY: Watch the trailer in HD, as featured on your Apple site, then rewrite.

P2

MUMAH: This is genius in marketing. Torture porn…and after Halloween. Brilliant. Everyone involved in this film should be in government.

BRADLEY: Honestly, the nicest thing I can say is, “Well, at least it doesn’t star JLo.”

MUMAH: Wes Bentley is also stretching himself. He does creepy in this one.

BRADLEY: I’m not even going to bother to Google him.

BEOWULF

MUMAH: The name alone merits a viewing, but there’s some classy film-making goin’ on here.

BRADLEY: The CG looks creepy, and not creepy good like the broadly-panned Final Fantasy film (memorable for the animation alone). It’s been nearly a decade and things haven’t gotten any better? Really?

MUMAH: I feel I have to come up with the film’s defense here as an artist. Most CG films are still in development until days before it goes to print, but for marketing purposes they release the most completed scenes. But even those scenes you see in a trailer still aren’t quite finished. I like the look so far, and I bet the final film will meet your fickle standards, sir.

BRADLEY: My standards aren’t fickle. They’re impossibly high, and that’s where they’ll stay!

MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM

MUMAH: Might be a bit young for me, but I like a good whimsical story. Besides, I like Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman is adorable, and Jason Bateman has quickly risen to become one of my favorite actors.

BRADLEY: I have a feeling I know how this one came about. Thumbnail pitch time! “Here we go, here we go. What if we mixed FAO Schwartz and Willy Wonka?” “Hmm…might not get the investment.” “Okay, Wonka and Walmart?” “Sold!”

MUMAH: I can’t fault a studio for going with a guaranteed money-maker, but where’s the Hoffman of old? Where’s Straw Dogs? All the President’s Men? The Graduate? Rain Man? Do you think it finally sunk in that he won an Oscar for Tootsie and realized he didn’t have to work so hard?

BRADLEY: Why do they do that? Is it a test of your staying power to win the Oscar and then take part in career ending films like Gothika or Catwoman?

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

MUMAH: I wonder if this movie got made because of John Cusack’s line in “High Fidelity?”

BRADLEY: The only thing I know about this move IS the line from High Fidelity. “[it’s] about girls, right?”

 

 

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

MUMAH: How many more of these do we have to do? Fuck.

BRADLEY: I didn’t make it through the trailer. I don’t think I’d make it to the theatre. Somehow, this seems like it would actually play out better on stage. Did I just opt for a play? Yes, yes, I did.

MUMAH: There was a trailer?

ELEGY

MUMAH: I can barely pronounce the title. I’m not watching it. I have to be getting close to the end here.

BRADLEY: Really? Even when IMDB describes the Penelope Cruz character as “a well-mannered student who awakens a sense of sexual possessiveness in her teacher”

MUMAH: Heh. Peeeenelope.

ENCHANTED

MUMAH: My wife dragged me into the Disney store because she likes to look at the cute little girl’s costumes. I tell her we’re never having girls, so why bother. While there, I saw the trailer for this, and it actually looks watchable.

BRADLEY: You mean “Cool World for Kids”?

MUMAH: Not so abstract, but I reckon there’s a comparison. Still, I think it could be surprise.

BRADLEY: From Disney? I need to start drinking again.

THE MIST

MUMAH: I’ll go see this. A creepy flick during the Christmas invasion.

BRADLEY: I’ve never seen a King horror film in the theatre, why start now?

MUMAH: You need to find a good indie theatre and catch Carrie on the big screen. Misery is the only other flick I can remember watching in a House.

 

HITMAN

MUMAH: Another video game movie, but can it really hope to top “Doom?”

BRADLEY: I’ve always thought that Timothy Olyphant was odd, in a good way. He was odd enough to keep my interest in The Girl Next Door (a helluva challenge when Elisha Cuthbert is on screen), but I just can’t see this film be any good. I think the plot is going to be too big. When will Hollywood learn, if you’re going to adapt a videogame, go small scale. For instance, a single mission from a Hitman game would make for an interesting movie. Hear that Hollywood? Moderation!

MUMAH: I have noticed that they don’t show Olyphant much in the trailer, due I think to his misshapen bald head. He is good though. Always makes an impact when on the screen.

BRADLEY: Was that an action flick pun?

I’M NOT THERE

MUMAH: And neither am I.

AUGUST RUSH

MUMAH: In November?

BRADLEY: Ha! And it’s about orphans?

TEETH

MUMAH: When I first read the plot description on IMDB.com, I thought it screamed Jodie Foster flick. It read, “High school student Dawn (Weixler), still a stranger to her own body, discovers she has a physical advantage when she becomes the object of male violence.” It was a pass, but I was intrigued by the sexy little poster, so I read on. Turns out this chick has teeth in her pussy. I’m intrigued, but at the same time terrified by the thought.

BRADLEY: Eeek.

MUMAH: I’ve wanted to take a bleach bath after sex before, but this is just plain creepy.

 

Other Posts

• I’m Wide Awake, It’s Spring – From the Editor
• The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret
• Speechless
• The General and the Judges
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films

One might think that the month of October would be full of schlocky horror fair and enough gore to fill one or two basement oubliettes, but surprisingly the modern film market-place has left those of us who crave a bit of holiday mania a bit dry. With only one serious entry and hopefully the death knell of the torture porn genre, the rest are merely Oscar-bait that got out of the way of the Blockbuster Summer. Fortunately, it’s still a bit early for the Christmas crap to hit the fan. (more…)

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: September 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: July 2007
• Pure Speculation: April’s Films
• Pure Speculation: November 2007

Fall is here, and with it, a slew of new shows. Like baby turtles, most won’t survive. But, as your media-consumption landscape is already pretty full, it’s a bit hard to decide what to watch. So, Mumah and Bradley have decided to give you the skinny on what to watch, and the fat on all the stuff you shouldn’t. (more…)

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: September 2007
• Pure Speculation: October 2007
• Pure Speculation: November 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: July 2007

September is bringing around a whole slew of films, several of which seem really, really familiar. Granted, we haven’t actually seen any of these, but that’s never stopped us from reviewing them before. (more…)

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• Pure Speculation: October 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: June 2007
• Pure Speculation: July 2007
• Pure Speculation: November 2007

Well, finally we’ve come to August, the month the Blockbuster Summer of ’07 forgot. Now’s the opportunity for all the other films not worthy of contention against the Giant Fucking Robots, the Webslingers, the Ogres, or the underaged Wizards this epic season has brought us. August, the short bus month. Let’s see what’s coming up. (more…)

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: June 2007
• Pure Speculation: November 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• A Tale of Two Alcohols
• An Explanation of Sorts

July, the big month for summer movies. And believe it or not, there’s a few that subter’s resident sarcastic assholes are interested in seeing. Not that seeing a film has ever been a prerequisite for reviewing them around here. (more…)

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: September 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: October 2007
• Pure Speculation: November 2007
• Pure Speculation: April’s Films

You’d figure that in the Age of Fear, we might revel in the opportunity to cheer when there’s something worth celebrating, but you’d be wrong. May pulled back another veil as to how we’ve gone astray as a society. Future graduates? You better listen up.

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• An Explanation of Sorts
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Bush, the band, once lamented that there’s no sex in your violence. Hilary Clinton seems to want it that way. With his typical acerbic pen, Mumah ponders as to just why this is. Feel free to guess which he prefers.

(more…)

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• Graduation, Escape No More
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Ah, June, the middle sister of the summer blockbuster season. Sandwiched between the mega-releases of May’s Spider-Man, Shrek, and Pirates of the Caribbean, and the potential showstopper of July’s Transformers, June looks to be the weak link of this record-breaking season. (more…)

Other Posts

• Pure Speculation: September 2007
• Pure Speculation: May’s Films
• Pure Speculation: November 2007
• Pure Speculation: April’s Films
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